03.31.11 (with FS)
All hands on deck. Reporting for duty. The people in charge of you are happy. Captain’s a strange one. Likes mangoes dipped in coffee, curious pictures of boys. Shares.
I am experienced in how to share the intimacy of suffering. I am struck dumb whentrying to share the intimacy of joy. Even that word: joy. It feels like an embarrassment, it feels awkward and conspicuous. It is also my middle name. As a child I didn’t like to tell it for all the same reasons.
Venus lingers in Aquarius. My relationship with my writing is the primary relationship in my life. I couldn’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve written in my journal: it doesn’t matter. go back to the Work. It seems most of the time we’re fighting, it’s passionate and stormy and She feels neglected and I feel betrayed. Right now, though, a predictable daily...
Knots in the back. Flood warnings. Someone calls I’m alright from the street. There was the struggle (I am good with the cold front), followed by the exhausted collapse, Let’s just lie here okay you feel real good you feel real sweet. Equinox and Super Moon and no desire to talk to the cards, no desire to know what happens next. Just, I like this. Thanks. Soon I will bring forth new...
Q. A California passes by a girl. A. We made it to the future and we are across this table again, again. One day a California won’t have to go anywhere. The future isn’t kind to girls: this is why I am able to create it on my own. Words to describe some girls: simple. subtle. In this way I know I am not a girl. In this way I know I am not a girl. In this way I know I am not a girl....
Setting E’s title page for CVLT CVNT last night, someone looks over my shoulder and asks, Is that your pen name? Elizabeth Hall? I say, I wish. precious little lamb pit
Saul and David and the cave.
I did not know about Japan when I made that post about the earthquake yesterday. I feel uncomfortable about the post and very sad about Japan.
the apprenticeship to silence.
Q. A California girl flux is: Hello. An earthquake waved out of the new day. A. This is not a podium this is a process.
Lying has nothing to do with honesty. What exactly did you think language was going to do for you this time; kiss kiss make up; my lipstick’s changed from fire engine to dusk violet (and when I change my mouth the surprise follows: he understands the importance of the reach: this is the best I can do for why I am sitting across this table in public again). He catches me off balance and...
Q. You can take a California out of a girl, but you can’t take a girl out of a California. A. It is difficult to tell you about the way things got better because then I don’t get to be right anymore. Damage :: Damage :: Done
Q. How about a California? A. In the dream the child is a deaf mute with six fingers on the left hand. In the waking world the child is a deaf mute and he is asking me for hot coco. With a mountain of whipped cream. The child has just discovered a California. It’s a treat. I don’t believe in good and I certainly don’t believe in bad. I believe in how to want. I am going to have...
Q. A California opens and a girl falls in. A. Too bad about the California. The next girl could be your next girl. What am I supposed to do when you are so sad and hate listening. What am I supposed to do when you talk about the North and don’t touch me. I keep you up at night with my Spring time. I keep us both up. I am still waiting.
Q: A California turns into a girl. A: A girl is alone, is a golden alone because a girl is a singularity; alright. Alone does not mean that space (physical//psychic) is not shared it means there is difficulty in sharing space (physical//psychic). I know what to do about the sunshine.
Which is to say, I wasn’t expecting this response. Chloe and I talking about the animal, again, Chloe and I talking about how quickly it creeps up and overwhelms you, and that’s the worst part about it. Suddenly you are all instinct and mouth and you’ve hurt someone’s body again. Feral girls living in houses; okay. Chloe gets told: I refuse to treat you like an animal....
The plea is absurd. Because I tell lies. And he never does.
Anonymous asked: the closed door makes the sunshine that much brighter when you decide to go outside again. dont give up, i know im not. but im the other side of the door, and shes gone out the back.